I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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