My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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