I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
