I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
