she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Randomize
