WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
