Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
