I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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