I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
