We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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