You're my little dorito
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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