I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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