Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
