exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
