Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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