I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
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Just look for the house with the beer knights.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
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Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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