my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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