So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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