my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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