yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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