I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
