I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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