I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
