You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
