I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My day in three words: secret purse cake
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
