"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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