I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
