I accidentally had phone sex last night
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
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the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
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did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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