Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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