Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
