I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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