There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
