I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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