The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
