umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
