Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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