I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
