fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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