i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
