I just made out with a guy for $7.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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