take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
