my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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