The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize