you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
