I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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