Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Randomize
