Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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