I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
