Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
