I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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