Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
