guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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