i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
