Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
