I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
