I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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