it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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