i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
