I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We're too hungover to prance.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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