You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
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i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
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yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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