my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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