I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
