I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
