I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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