I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
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She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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