I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
